For many years this was one of my most difficult personal issues. As I struggled with mental illness, it was easy for me to take comments from other people out of context. I would write a whole story around how the other person was purposely trying to hurt me, or make me look bad. I got really good at feeling victimized all the time, but I can’t say I enjoyed feeling that way. As I began to recover from depression and had time and space to reflect, I began to think that the problem of having a “thin skin” was a symptom of the illness. But looking at the world around me, and paying more attention to how other people acted and spoke, I realized that this is really an epidemic. So many people seem to be looking to get offended, and in the fast paced, depersonalized world that we live in, it is easy to build those stories and convince ourselves they are true.

I still find myself tempted to take things personally at times. It is a hard habit to overcome, and has caused friction in many of my most important relationships. I finally had to start taking some action to consciously change these thought patterns. I sincerely hope some of these strategies are helpful for you.

1. Everyone Is Thinking of Themselves
   As you walk around during your day, what are you thinking about? The bills that have to be paid, that 10 a.m. meeting, and the fight you had with your significant other before leaving the house. Nowhere on that list is any thought or plan to hurt someone, or to be intentionally rude. Everybody you interact with in a given day is just like you. They are focused on their own busy-ness, problems and stress. If they are being rude or snippy, it is most likely a problem with them, not a problem with you, and not something to be taken as a personal attack.
2. It Is Not Your Responsibility
   As part of our social training, we learn that if someone is mad at us, we must have done something wrong. Unfortunately, the world has its share of people who are chronically angry and unhappy. They are looking to be provoked, and the smallest action can set them off. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you are not responsible for their feelings. You can only control your reaction to that person, so choose to let their negative energy slide right past you and don’t carry any of it with you.
3. Assume Nothing
   When I’m in a situation that is getting heated, and I’m not sure what the underlying problem really is, I ask questions. Assuming that I understand what is going on inside another person’s head has led to more conflict than I care to admit. We all know what happens when we Ass-U-Me, right? Now, instead of making assumptions about the other person’s motives, I just ask. Questions like “Did you mean…”, or “What do you mean by…”, asked curiously, and not defensively, encourage the other person to open up and share more of their thinking with me. I learn more about the other person’s perspective, and almost always discover that I misinterpreted their motives. When I keep my mouth shut, and let the fictional tale spin out of control in my head, I react with hurt and anger, and usually end up making the situation worse.
4. Look for the Wound
   When I am feeling particularly sensitive, I have found that it is often because there is a wound that is being touched. We all carry some emotional pain from our past experiences, and this pain plays a significant part in how we perceive ourselves and the world. When I feel like I am at a point of taking things too personally, I will take some quiet time to examine those feelings and trace them back to their source. By taking the time and embracing these feelings, I am able to take responsibility for how I react, and make lasting change in my own life.
5. Develop a Thicker Skin
   SW3 is a philosophy that is beginning to serve me well as I grow and take on new challenges. It stands for Some Will, Some Won’t, So What. When none of the above methods is working for me, and it is apparent that the situation is as negative as I feared, I can just put that other person in the Some Won’t column and move on. It’s like Bill Murray says in “What About Bob?” - “I treat relationships like phone conversations. Sometimes I there’s a bad connection with the person on the other end, so I just hang up and try again later” (quoted from memory). Even if somebody dislikes me and is intentionally trying to hurt me, I don’t have to own their opinion. If there is something valuable buried under all the bad vibes, I can take it and walk away or I can just plain walk away.

Feeling perpetually offended builds walls between us and the world. Continually taking things personally keeps us from connecting in meaningful relationships, and leaves us feeling emotionally exhausted. Taking responsibility for these emotions, and learning that the world is not out to get us is the only way to escape the cycle.

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