We tend to look at the next generation as lazy and unfocused, but Patricia Martin has a different take on the situation. She is calling the up and coming young people the Renaissance Generation.

Donald at LifeOptimizer takes a serious look at failure and how to keep it from derailing your success.

Our beliefs about life effect our quality of life. Mistaken beliefs will definitely have a negative impact. If we are committed to personal development, we must constantly challenge our underlying beliefs for accuracy and usefulness.

Along the same lines, you should also not believe everything you read. It is easy to get caught up in the mindset that some “guru” or authority knows the “truth”, but in reality, we have to check these ideas, before they become beliefs.

I just started reading the Think Simple blog, and they had an excellent article this week that reminds us of the all important skill of listening.

That does it for this week. Have a great weekend, and be sure to check back next week.

posted on November 9th, 2007 under Blogging Around Town | 3 Comments

So much of the personal development that we engage in as adults is about fixing bad habits we have developed over a lifetime of experience. I look back at my life and wonder how different I would be today if someone had taken the time to teach me the lessons I am learning now, at the ripe old age of 34. I’ve also spent quite a bit of time looking at my own three children, two girls and a boy, wondering how I can better prepare them to live lives of purpose, and avoid many of the pitfalls I’ve had to endure.

Children are incredible creatures. They have a joy and innocence that all adults recognize, and often long to recapture in their own lives. Their young minds are malleable, able to acquire and internalize information very quickly. It seems to me that we should be able to harness their developing minds to help them build positive habits and personal resiliency that will benefit them as they grow and gradually take charge of their own destiny. The question is, how do we take the knowledge and strategies we have as adults and turn that into methods for training our children?

Here are a few methods I am using today. I am neither a child psychologist, nor an educational expert. I am just a parent groping in the darkness and trying to do my best to pass on a positive heritage.

• Communicate, communicate, communicate. I know we hear this mantra constantly. It only sticks around because it is so true. If we don’t make time to talk with our children, and listen just as well, we will lose our influence. You will be surprised how often impromptu chats can turn into powerful teaching experiences.
• Watch for teachable moments. My son has a few physical development issues, and is afraid to try new activities because he lacks confidence in his body. When I take him to the playground, I watch him closely to see when he hesitates or backs off of playing on a new piece of equipment. When I see that, I will give him a few moments, then walk over and work with him on tackling the new challenge. It isn’t always successful, but he has learned over the years that he is capable of more than he thinks, and is more wiling to take on new challenges.
• Nothing beats experience. My wife and I have committed to making sure our children get out and experience the world. For holidays and birthdays we usually ask for help with putting together mini travel packages instead of toys that will be forgotten in a few days. We believe that by exposing them to many different people and situations, they will be more confident when confronted with new environments and opportunities later in life.
• Ask for what you want. I am amazed at how often we all fail to ask for what we want or need. I used to be terrified of hearing the word “No”. We started teaching our children at an early age to ask for what they wanted. It started by asking for a different Happy Meal toy at McDonald’s, and now we are teaching our oldest daughter to ask for assistance and clarification from the director of her school play. Our children are learning that they get more of what they need if they just ask.
• Set the example. I am still learning and growing, and I am definitely far from perfect. Everyday I have to push myself forward and never give up. I can’t expect my children to take risks and follow their passion if I am not willing to do it myself, so I set the example. I believe that just as much personal development knowledge is caught as is taught.

Have you thought about how to teach these important skills to your children? What methods are you using? What success stories do you have? Raising happy, healthy children is a passionate issue for me. I would love to have you share your knowledge here to benefit us all.

posted on November 8th, 2007 under development | 2 Comments

Many of us carry around the pain of years of self-defeating thought patterns. We have created a wound that never has a chance to heal because we come back and inflict the same damage over and over again. I have struggled with this for years, and it has probably been the single biggest road block in my personal development.

Personal affirmations are the antidote to this kind of negative thinking. Simply stated, personal affirmations are positive statements about who we are and our value to the world. They can be used to help us stop smoking, lose weight, or overcome fear and anxiety. Most importantly, affirmations can help us transform the way we perceive ourselves, and that is the most powerful transformation of all.

Developing Affirming Statements

1. Affirming statements need to be in the present tense. If you start out by saying “I will become” instead of “I am”, your subconscious always sees your goal as somewhere out there in the future. Present tense informs your mind that this is something that is happening now, and now is the only time you have.
2. You should frame your affirmations in positive language. For example “I am wealthy and successful” instead of “I am not a poor loser”. Experiments with affirming statements shows that the mind skips the “not”, and just internalizes “I am a poor loser”. Positive language leads in positive directions, and will begin to change the way you see yourself and the world.
3. Your affirmations need to be written in language you are comfortable with. I don’t use flowery, poetic language every day, so I write short, to the point affirmations that I can remember easily. If you are more in tune with the poetic, write your affirmations in a more poetic style.

Internalizing Your Statements

Once you have developed a good set of affirming statements, you need some strategies to help you turn those statements into new thoughts. Consistently applying these methods will help your mind grab onto the new patterns and create new habits of thought that will change you from the inside out.

• Read your affirmations out loud whenever possible. The more senses we involve in any learning experience, the quicker we assimilate the new information.
• Put some feeling into it. Thoughts with powerful emotions attached become a part of our minds faster than bland, emotionless statements.
• Visualize. See yourself in your mind as the person you are becoming with each affirming statement. Build images in your mind involving your whole being, and tap into the transforming power of visualization that top athletes have used for years.
• Review day and night. Spend time first thing in the morning going over your statements to get the day started right. Read them at night before you go to bed to give your subconscious mind something positive to chew on while you are sleeping.
• Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Go over your affirming statements throughout the day to give yourself a little boost. Repitition over time is the best way to cement information into your brain and build new habits of thought.

Resistance and Patience

As you start to change the way you talk to yourself, you will experience resistance. It will show up as a tightness in your gut or chest, maybe even elevated heart rate and a slight ringing in your ears. Trust me, this is normal. Your heart and mind are heavily scripted in very negative language. This new way of thinking and being will feel uncomfortable at first. Don’t fight the feelings of discomfort, accept that they are there and a part of what you will experience to bring positive change into your life.

If you have spent years verbally abusing yourself, you may have an unexpectedly strong initial response. Remember that you have a deep injury in your heart, and it isn’t going to heal overnight. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It is part of the healing process, and will deepen the compassion you have for yourself and others.

Lasting change will not come after one or two weeks of living with these new thoughts. We’ve spent years bathing ourselves with negative thoughts, we need to devote some significant time to building a new foundation for a new way of living. A good rule of thumb is that it takes 30 days of consistent practice to develop a new habit. Give yourself at least one full month to create a new habit that will have more impact than any other single change you could make in your life.

posted on November 5th, 2007 under Self Image, thought, transformation | 2 Comments

It has been another great week in the world of personal development blogging. Thanks to all of the wonderful writers and thinkers who take the time to help us all grow. Here are some of the posts that struck a chord with me this week. I hope they inspire and teach you as well.

If you are trying hard to become well liked, you are probably doing something wrong. Tejvan Pettinger shares his insight into becoming the kind of person who is well liked in a guest post at lifehack.

We often forget that all of life is an interaction. We can easily slip into the mindset that we are acting independently, without effecting anybody else, but in most situations we face, every action is an interaction.

Do you often find yourself torn between two options, and usually choosing the safest? You are probably short circuiting your path to success by letting fear keep you from bold action. Find out how being bold can help you achieve your goals more quickly.

Business is about people. Many execs today like to pretend that it isn’t personal, and our daily actions are “just business”. This kind of thinking has led to a serious decline in the ethical standards of the corporate world. Business is personal - always.

posted on November 2nd, 2007 under Blogging Around Town | 2 Comments

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway
-Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa wisely touched upon many of the fears that hold us back and keep us from taking the action we know in our hearts is necessary. We need the courage to step up and act anyway. In spite of the hurts and scars and rejection, and in the face of utter defeat, we still have to act. Because in the end, it isn’t about what happens to us, but about how we are transformed by our experiences. Mistakes and failures are going to come. They can either be temporary setbacks, or they can end up defining our lives. Sitting on our hands is just one long slow tepid failure, instead of the spectacular, life changing failures that often characterize a life of passionate action.

I am often afraid. I fear rejection as I share my heart and mind on this blog. I fear financial ruin as I take risks and still need to provide for my family. I fear committing social faux paus that will lead to being ostracized. Sometimes I wake up at night, my mind racing with the possibilities of failure. I don’t have any choice but to get up and do it anyway. I can’t accept any other option from myself.

posted on October 31st, 2007 under Uncategorized | Leave a Response

“Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers.”

I believe that many of us, myself included, spend more time wishing for change than planning change. Achieving our goals and moving toward our definition of success requires focus and action, and wishing is the antithesis of those things. In Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill says: “Wishing will not bring riches. But desiring riches with a state of mind that becomes an obsession, then planning definite ways and means to acquire riches, and backing those plans with persistence which does not recognize failure, will bring riches.”

Napoleon Hill gives us three clear steps to success

1. Obsession: Notice he doesn’t say think about, but obsess. Thinking is nice, but obsession is driven by enthusiasm and passion, the very things that are required to achieve success. If we aren’t obsessed with our success, we won’t have the drive necessary to overcome obstacles and work through the many learning experiences we will encounter on our path.
2. Planning: As we obsess over our goals, we will inevitably start building and shaping plans for reaching them. We may try multiple paths, and fail and end up back at the drawing board, but we will plan. Our plan is the core of our success. It is a road map that helps us make decisions, and it is a flashlight that points the way when the road ahead is murky.
3. Persistence: Putting our plan into action without allowing failure to be part of our vocabulary is the root of success. Without this step, the preceding steps are a waste of time. Acting on our vision for the future is the only way we will move forward. We have to develop an attitude of persistent action to achieve success.

Simple But Not Easy

These three steps are clear, simple and concise. No mystery, no deep metaphysical insights, just common sense, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to implement. What are the things that keep us in wish mode, and hold us back from implementing Hill’s process?

1. Fear: This is probably the most powerful human emotion, and it has turned from a survival tool into a huge roadblock for most of us. Fear of failure leads to “paralysis of analysis”. We talk and think and plan, but never really set things in motion. Fear of success leads to self-sabotage because we don’t deserve to be successful, or we are afraid of the commitment and overwhelmed by the possibilities.
2. Lack of Clarity: While it may be hard to admit, many of us don’t really know what we want out of life. We build castles in the clouds and entertain all sorts of fantasies about the future, but never really discover what we desire. Here’s the rub - we have to go out and take action to discover our passion, it isn’t going to come and track us down in the living room in front of the television.
3. Lack of Decisiveness: It is the opportunity cost of choice - every time we make up our minds to follow one path, we leave dozens of others unexplored. What if one of those other paths is “better”? What if this path fails? What if I am wrong? At some point we have to stop floundering in the what if and move into the what is and what could be.
4. Lack of Confidence: When we have spent a long time listening to the tapes play that tell us how bad and undeserving we are, we may not have the confidence to move forward. Low self-esteem never even lets us get to the fear, but stop us in our tracks as we begin to think about success. It tells us that we should not even bother since failure will be the outcome anyway.

Breaking Through

All of these obstacles to achieving success can be overcome. Some of them, like lack of confidence, may require counseling. Others, like lack of clarity, may require a quiet place, paper and a pencil. Fear is the root of so much inaction that I think it deserves an article all by itself. Whatever you do, don’t give up on your dreams. Don’t let the difficulties deter you from pursuing your passion. You haven’t failed yet, although you may not have accomplished all you wish. You don’t fail unless you quit, so just don’t quit.

Do you struggle with turning wishes into passion and action? How have you moved beyond wishing to building success? Share your ideas in the comments below!

posted on October 30th, 2007 under motivation, fear | 2 Comments

In her book The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, Dr Julie Norem, clinical psychologist, argues that being an optimist can be harmful. She seems to think that optimism leads to the suppression of negative emotions, which we understand can lead to all sorts of physical and psychological illness. We know that men who express anger regularly and moderately, instead of holding it in then letting out in bursts, lower their chances for heart disease and stroke. She advocates a strategy called defensive pessimism, that focuses on negative outcomes and plans for them far in advance.

Surprisingly, this strategy seems to lead to some success for those who adopt it. Students who worked with both defensive pessimism and garden variety optimism scored better than the mean on a variety of exams in a study conducted by psychologist Lawrence Sanna. While this method of facing anxiety about the future may be functional, I have to question whether it is optimal.

We know that much of what we experience in our lives is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. By focusing on negative outcomes, and expecting the worst, I believe we invite those things into our lives like a magnet. Whether or not you believe in the Law of Attraction and positive vibrations, at the very least we know that the subconscious mind can have a profound effect on our actions and results. By feeding worst case scenarios to the subconscious, defensive pessimists prime themselves to have negative experiences, and often end up with exactly what they expect.

Even thought these “defensive pessimists” seem to do reasonably well in performance measurements, none of the studies I have seen have measured quality of life. I know that when I am mired in anxiety and fear of the future, which is exactly what defensive pessimism feeds off of, my enjoyment of life is severely diminished. Medical studies have shown that pessimists suffer from more physical illnesses, take longer to recover from physical trauma, and take longer to rebound from psychological stress. This approach to life seems give the pessimist a coping mechanism to handle overwhelming anxiety, but leaves them more vulnerable in other important areas.

By adopting defensive pessimism, those who struggle with fear and anxiety are also buying into a philosophy that makes them a victim of their own minds. This adaptation is based on the idea that individuals are pre-programmed for a certain personality type, and are not able to change. It doesn’t take into account other psychological factors that can effect attitude, and it ignores the ability of people to choose to change. By choosing this victim mentality, pessimists can abdicate personal responsibility for their actions and outcomes, and claim that their “inherent pessimism” is to blame for any negative circumstances.

In Defense of Optimism

True optimism is not a Pollyanna-ish outlook on life. It doesn’t ignore the possible negative outcomes. Optimism refuses to let the negative possibilities overshadow the positive possibilities. Optimism recognizes and accepts that failure will occur, but also recognizes that failure isn’t the end of the world. Optimism is what allows incredibly successful people to take risks and revel in a positive vision of the future. I have not met a successful or wealthy person yet who advocated any flavor of pessimism as a coping mechanism.

True optimists are realists who understand that they are responsible for creating their own reality. They understand and accept that responsibility and use it to create a life of purpose and meaning. True optimists are the ones who push society forward in science, business and the arts, by not accepting failure as the norm, and by not letting fear limit their vision.

Defensive pessimism is a crutch to help those who don’t see any other way out. They have lived with negativity for so long, that they have forgotten that there is another way. Instead of letting the pessimists walk around on crutches, I think we should be helping them get the broken leg mended.

posted on October 26th, 2007 under Uncategorized | Leave a Response

As the availability of video content grows, the easier it is to find quality videos with a positive message. Here is a sampling of some of the great videos I found this week.

This incredible animation made its way around the web about a year ago. I was blown away by the quality and the message. Watch as the kiwi demonstrates passionate commitment to a vision. No that’s not a tear - I just have a piece of dust in my eye.

I am a big believer in the power of self talk. The quality of conversation we have with ourselves directly influences our quality of life, and the results we experience on a daily basis. Psychologist and speaker Robin HC talks of the power of the sub-conscious, and how the approximately 50,000 words a day we have with ourselves effects our perceptions and actions.

Explore the fine line between motivation and manipulation and how to move toward inspiration in this clip from Lance Secretan.

Finally, find out the power of sincere connection over calculating communication as Nido Qubein shares his experiences learning the English language. I have seen a few clips from Nido, and I think he is one of the best speakers I have encountered recently.

I hope you enjoy these videos. If you have videos you would like to share, please post links in the comments below, or email them to me.

PS - if you are reading this via RSS feed, I am working on figuring out how to embed the videos in the feed. I should have it working by the next installment.

posted on October 24th, 2007 under Videos That Change | Leave a Response

They say only 2 things in life are certain - death and taxes. I think we need to add Bad Days to that list as well. No matter how committed we are to personal development, the occasional bad day is inevitable. I know that I am very susceptible to discouragement and apathy after a bad day. I used to look at bad days, not as a normal part of life, but as an example of personal failure and proof that I was never going to make it. Fortunately, a Bad Day isn’t the end of the world. What really counts is how we handle them when they show up.

Here are five tips that have helped me better manage those days.

1. Reduce Expectations: When circumstances are going well, it is easy to expect that they will continue to go well. It is easy to forget the struggles of the past, and expect that the future won’t have those same struggles. By building these expectations, I only set myself up for failure. When I begin to eliminate expectations, and become willing to accept each day on its own terms, the number of bad days goes down. In reality, a day is only bad because I am struggling against the reality of that day expecting it to be different. There is no day that is “bad” in and of itself.
2. Accept Myself: My wife used to have a poster in her room when we were dating. It was a little Precious Moments figure with the caption “Please be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet”. I am a work in progress, with weaknesses, insecurities, and areas of ignorance. I can either accept that, or struggle against who I am and the path I am walking. The struggle leads to pain, anger, and suffering. Acceptance and focus lead to peace.
3. Stop Negative Thought Patterns: When frustration and anger dominate my mind, I revert to self-pity and begin to play the old tapes. Those stories I used to tell myself about how bad life is, and how worthless I am start to play out again in my mind. This type of thinking only amplifies the negativity, and lengthens the time of recovery. I need to accept response-ability for my thoughts, and change my response. I have a whole toolbox of methods for dealing with negative thoughts now. I don’t have to let them dominate me anymore.
4. Affirmation Meditation: One of my favorite tools for dealing with negative thought patterns is what I call affirmation meditation. I don’t know if there is a formal term for it, but it is a powerful method for refocusing the mind away from negative thoughts. I noticed that negative thoughts tended to repeat over and over again in a pattern I call the pessimists mantra. As I began to try and change my thoughts, I found that using the same technique in a positive way created new patterns in my mind and made it much easier to overcome the negative patterns.
5. Find the Lesson: I have come to accept my responsibility in creating bad days. Usually, the bad day comes because I need to learn something, and I can’t learn it any other way. It may be a reminder of point number one, that I need to stop expecting and start accepting. It may be patience with myself and others. It may even be that I have pushed myself to the limit, and need rest. Whatever the lesson, or lessons, of this time may be, I want to find them so I don’t have to learn them again.
6. Rest: I usually find myself emotionally and physically exhausted after a bad day. The struggle, the stress, and the negativity all sap energy. One of the best things I can do after a bad day is get a solid night of sleep so I have the energy I need for tomorrow. If I don’t do this, I often find another bad day waiting for me.

It takes practice and commitment to learn to face a bad day with new habits. We have gotten so accustomed to accepting negative emotions as a normal part of having a bad day that we often don’t even try to make a change. By creating a plan, and sticking to it, we can develop new tools and new strengths so that bad days don’t end up derailing our personal growth. We can turn bad days into proving grounds for the changes we have made, and use them as building blocks to grow further and faster.

posted on October 22nd, 2007 under thought | 2 Comments

Our brains do strange things to our perception. From priming, to reacting to subconscious cues, lifehack looks at how our mind can be tricked.

The world is filled with people who are willing to tell you what you should care about. Do you have the courage to tell them that you just don’t care?

Statistically, most of us could stand to lose a little weight. Unfortunately, 300 pages of information on the nutritional content of every piece of food doesn’t motivate us to get started. A simple plan, with consistent weight loss is they way to go.

As I have said before, I love to read. Nothing gets me more excited than a good book and a quiet place to read it. Here is a list of 48 classical books that I think everyone should read. Best of all, most of them have links to free downloads at Project Gutenberg.

Much of the addiction we deal with, from drugs to sex to television, is about escaping reality. We associate reality with pain and difficulty, instead of positive experiences. Our natural inclination is to escape from pain. If we can change or perception, we can escape the desire to escape.

posted on October 19th, 2007 under Blogging Around Town | 2 Comments